Posted on .09.20.2008 at 2: 18 am
I guess I should update this thing.
First of all, let me state the changes that have occured since my last post in January.
I got a new job, a great one at that. I work for the State, specifically FDOT.
I make about 3 times more than what I was making at kids club.
I lost 85 pounds.
I am HAPPY.
I have friends.
Max is still sick,but with different ailments, mainly asthma.
He is incredible.
I moved to Boynton Beach, and have more than one room!
When I read back through all the entries I posted, I can really say that I have made some incredible progress, and am very proud of myself.
Posted on .01.29.2008 at 9: 39 am
Current Mood: melancholy
So, I have been looking for a new job for about 2 weeks now. I told a friend at work, and what does she do? She goes and tells the boss... Jesus H. Christ. Now my boss has me coming in at the latest hours, and is giving me no time on the clock. I had 18 hours total last week. That equals less than $150, for the whole week. How the f does she think I can survive on that. Thank god for my mother and tax returns, otherwise I would be homeless and Max would be in an orphanage or something.I don't know what to do anymore, guys. I am stuck, I guess in time this will all pass and I'll have a great new job. I'm just really frustrated and haven't been able to sleep well. I am so stressed out. Marty's no help, I'm having a hard time still accepting that he really won't change... Ever, which I already knew, but it just sucks. I saw this guy in the parking lot on Sat, that looked just like him, but 10years ago, he was so good looking. He caught me staring, lol. I'ts just a shame and a huge waste of potential. Max just learned how to climb out of his crib. Shit.... I'm taking him to the dr's in a little bit, he has developed an adverse reaction to milk , whole, soy, and powder, so he hasn't had any calcium in 2 weeks aside from cheese. I guess I had better start getting ready...
Posted on .01.21.2008 at 1: 30 am
Current Location: My house
Current Mood: exhausted
It has been forever since I have posted, but I realise that I have been losing friends so I am updating. I have been on the hardest journey that I could have ever imagined. I left marty in august, and have been on my own since then, I live in a one room efficency, it is rather nice, it includes cable and hbo, ac, and electric and wireless internet for 520/mo. I am afraid that we will outgrow it this year though. Max is amazing, he is walking, saying words, and being just a little shit. I had to stop breastfeeding him a week after I left marty because the milk just dissappeared, I did everything I could to get it back, but I was told that the stress I was under made me dry up. I felt like such a bad mother, but it was out of my control. I did start losing weight shortly after that, so far I have lost 69 pounds. I started going to the gym mid December, and I have never felt better.
I want you all to know that I read lj at least once a week, and still want to be on you're friends list. Please don't delete me, I still care. I'ts just so hard to put down what I'm feeling.
Sorry for the lack of lj cut, I forgot how.
Posted on .08.09.2007 at 1: 29 pm
I left him, I finally fucking left him. I feel so free.
OH MY GOD.
As usual, I won't be on often, but when I am, I read as much as I possibly can.
P.S. Melissa, I am so excited for you, CJ is almost here. Hang in there, I can't wait for pictures.
Posted on .07.05.2007 at 11: 47 pm
Sorry it took me so long to write back, June and the beginning of July have been HELL. I just got my internet back up, I had been trying to sign in to Myspace via my cellphone with no luck. The beggining of June, I was on my way to visit Annie in Brandon, and I stopped to breastfeed Max and while I was pulling out, I hit someone and totaled my car. I had to sell my car to a junkyard for parts and rented a car with the money. When I finally got home 4 days later, I had to move into Marty's mom's apt. She is a clinical packrat. That next Sunday, Fathers day, we found out that Marty's dad died the day we moved, 2 days before. We found out because he wouldn't answer the phone when we called to say happy fathers day. Marty's aunt had to drive 1hour to his dad's house and then she found him dead, in his bed. Then I had to go to Texas to see my grandmother. On our way back our flight had to reroute due to weather, we were on the plane for 4 hours on a one hour flight, with Max. The pilot turned on the airconditioning, and water started leaking and pouring out of the air vents. We missed our connecting flight. We ran around the Huston airport for about 1.5hours because the gates kept changing. We finally got on a flight at 10pm from Houston to Tampa, where Annie lives. Max pooped on the flight, and when I changed him, somehow, poop got all over the seat. That flight was hell. Thankfully, to me, we got the airline to give us a hotel room(I complained to the stewardess that we were going to have to sleep at the airport with a baby) The airport lady rescheduled our flight for the morning, but couldn't print the boarding passes because the computers were "down". The next morning, we went to the ticket counter and the woman said that there were no tickets reserved for us. They got us tickets and we were off. They also lost our luggage. My mom wouldn't let me bring my breastpump with us, and as a result, my milk pretty much dropped a ton. I have been trying to get it back to normal for the past two weeks. The only plus, traveling with a child under 5 is, we got to preboard and sit in the front. He was also amazingly good on all the flights, he flirted with everyone.
Tuesday, I had to drive to Miami to drop off Marty and his mom so they could go to Finland to bury his dad.
Here I am now, alone.
I don't know why, but since he left, all I have been doing is reverting back to bulimia. I need to get over that. I had been doing so well.
Posted on .06.09.2007 at 7: 39 pm
Current Mood: distressed
JSYK, I was in a shitty, crappy, expensive as fuck car accident yesterday. I found out that I don't have collision insurance on my car. = $1,800. I am stranded in Brandon, Fl. I was going on a weekend vacay to see my sister and Sharisse. I stopped to breastfeed Max, and as I was leaving, I looked for the stopsign, which was like 10feet in a field and was bent back so it was basically invisible. Not to mention that my lane was blocked with a bus, a bus stop, and a utility vehicle, so I drove on the other side of the road (it was a private side road). I looked for the stop sign, diddn't see it, so I assumedthat the other people had a stop sign. they diddn't , and I hit them. It was an honest mistake, and I am going to contest the ticket. I was really surprised how fast I reacted to see how Max was, he diddn't make a sound the whole time. I tried to open my door, but it was blocked, so I climbed through to the other side door, went to the back door, threw all the stuff iout of the car that was blocking Max onto the pavement, and he was just sitting there, sucking on his teether, he looked at me, and giggled. I started sobbing. those few seconds, seemed like hours. I was SO SCARED THAT HE WAS HURT. Ya know, this is a time that I really realize how much I love him.
So, now I am stranded in Brandon, with my sister, who I am so apprecieative of for letting me stay with her. But, I was really looking forward to swimming and the roller derby. I was planning it for like 3 months. FECK.
Now, in addition to the $800 that I owe to my mom for fixing my ac, a month ago. I owe her an additional $1,800. TIME TO GET A JOB, SARAH.
So, I am here until Monday.
I only brought my car charger, and when I went to get it out, I pulled the cord, and pulled the cord out of the charger. And the base thingy stuck in the outlet, and it started smoking. Henceforth, my phone is dead.
That is all.
Posted on .06.03.2007 at 5: 48 am
IF YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I want to know 28 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never liked each other, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't. You are obviously on my flist, so let me know with whom I'm friends!
1. Your Middle Name:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favourite Movie:
5. Favourite Song or Album:
6. Favourite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?:
10. What's your philosophy on life?:
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?:
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?:
13. What is your favourite memory of us?:
14. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?:
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?:
17. Can we get together and make a cake?:
18. Which country is your spiritual home?:
19. What is your big weakness?:
20. Do you think I'm a good person?:
21. What was your best/favourite subject at school?:
22. Describe your accent:
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?:
24. What do you wear to sleep?:
25. Trousers or skirts?:
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?:
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?: (Note: "Anything you want" doesn't count. I'm dying here, think up something you think we'd both enjoy. Oy!)
28. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?:
Posted on .05.30.2007 at 2: 31 pm
Current Mood: hungry
Posted on .05.27.2007 at 9: 57 pm
Current Mood: tired
6 months tomorrow. WAAHHHHH, I want my baby back.......ribs.
Posted on .05.25.2007 at 2: 49 am
Current Mood: hyper
OH! I forgot to say that I took pictures during the walk. We fed ducks and I saw an alligator, a 50ft iguana, and turtles.
I will post the pics later today.
Posted on .05.25.2007 at 2: 33 am
Current Mood: anxious
Walked 2 miles today, now I have shin splints. :(
I forgot to put sunscreen on Max and the last 1/2mi, he was SCREAMING, I thought I gave him heatstroke, so when I got home, I gave him a cold bath. I was so scared. I took his temp it was 99.8, 3hrs later it was 98.2, is that bad? I made sure to give him alot to drink during and after the walk. BUT GUESS WHAT. I LOST 8 MORE POUNDS!!! That makes a total of 38, I believe.
From now on, I am going to put a blanket over his stroller. I am thinking of eventually getting one of those running/walking strollers, since I am not comfortable using my meitai during loooonnnng walks.
I drink waayyyyy too much coke zero, maybe thats why I can never sleep.
Marty and I are moving in with his mom nextdoor june 15th, and guess who gets the awesome job of packing and cleaining and taking care of max and doing everything while he sleeps? MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
So far, I have cleaned the bathroom, thank god for those mr.clean thingys, they work so well.
I also cleaned the whole kitchen last week, including the baseboards, cabinets and everything else. Marty came home drunk last night and spilled this sticky, seedy goo EVERYWHERE. So I had to clean it again.
Listen to this, as I said before, marty came home drunk. Well he made an elaborate sandwich and took it into his room to eat it. Well, he fell asleep with his FACE IN THE PLATE! He had mayo and sandwich junk ALL OVER HIS FACE, it is so pathetic. But........... I took pictures. He is so pathetic, SO sad.
When he came home at 7am, he woke us up(Max and I sleep on the couch in the living room). I was beyond pissed. I had just fallen asleep at 4:30am. I HATE HIM. AHHHHHHH
I'm rambling...I drank like 8 coke zero's so far tonight.
Posted on .05.24.2007 at 1: 21 am
Current Mood: exhausted
I just got Max to sleep at 12:30AM, he is teething like nobody's business, and I am so exhausted. He has had the most erratic sleep this past week. I am so tired, but cannot sleep. GOD, if you are listening(reading), KILL ME NOWWWWWWW.kthnx
Posted on .05.23.2007 at 11: 24 pm
Current Mood: accomplished
So, as of late, I have been walking around a lake for exercise, and I always take Max in his stroller, with a bottle just in case. Today, I brought the bottle, but was like FUCK THIS, and I sat on the bench, lifted up my shirt and popped max right on! It went very well until Max started popping on and off, that's when I put it away. But overall it was great and from now on, I am not going to bring a bottle!
Posted on .05.22.2007 at 10: 43 pm
Can I just say how much I LOVE my son's Pediatrition! He is so awesome! I told him that I wanted to do child led weaning, and that I am skipping rice cereal and oatmeal and just giving him pieces of avacado and banana. He said it was totally fine and that he looks and is doing GREAT!
Stats, he weighs 19lbs2oz and is 28in. BIIIIG KID!
Posted on .05.18.2007 at 12: 08 am
Current Mood: guilty
So, yesterday, I took Max swimming at Marty's mom's work(She is a maid on Palm Beach Island) and if anyone who has been to a home there, backing a car out of the driveway is like merging onto the freeway in the worst traffic. So, I was backing out and I hit a car. Their car was fine, I smashed my taillight....And drove away. Life just keeps getting better and better.
Posted on .05.17.2007 at 5: 27 am
Current Mood: numb
Things at home have not been going so well so I thought I would post some pics and a Max update.
Max is 5.5 months old, he can sit up unassisted, his favorite food is avacado(no, I decided not to delay solids, so shoot me. I did however stop rice cereal and I gave him oatmeal, then stopped that and just gave him avacado and bananna) he laughs when I tickle him,he babbles mamamamama, and is in the process of cutting his first tooth!
Time goes by wayyyyy to fast.
My mom and Max on their "Date night"
This was when I was hospitalized for 8 days because of the c-section(one of the few times I got to see him)infection
Max went to the beach for the first time 2 weeks ago!
My little MaMa Boyka(MaMa's Boy)
Mommy and Max
Posted on .05.05.2007 at 9: 56 pm
I have had the worst day ever.
I am depressed.
I got pulled over for not completely stopping at a stop sign, found out that my liscense is suspended, and now have to go to court.
My liscense is NOT supposed to be suspended. I did all the paperwork, paid all the fines. This is not supposed to be happening to me.
I got stood up by 2 people today. I try to make and maintain friends, but it seems like I am just destined to be alone with Max. Even Marty stands me up all the time. Why am I such a loser.
Also, Max hit the corner of his eye today in the sink while taking a bath. It started bleeding, and he cried for a total of .01 seconds, I cried for 5 minutes.
I keep wanting to update every day and comment on friends journals, but I am just so depressed every day, I would just probably bring people down. So I want to apologize for not responding to everybody. I'm just in a funk.
There was one positive today. I finally found an exersaucer for Max on Craigslist. It is one of the 'Baby Einstein' ones that sell for $80, I got it for $40. It was used maybe 3 times by the daughter, and she hated it. Wahoo, great deal!
Posted on .04.30.2007 at 11: 56 pm
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Conan
I had the most awesome day today.
I woke up at 2, went to the blood bank again ( I went sat but my iron was too low.) to donate blood for sunfest tickets, I couldn't because my iron is too low. There was this girl working there (Krystal) I went to elem-high school with her, we had mutual friends, but diddn't know each other personally. She came up to me and I was like "We went to school together! You're name is Krystal!" (Seriously, I am a dork) She was like "I know, that's why I came in to say hi.". Well, long story short, we exchanged numbers and will be hanging out this weekend! A friend, FINALLY!!!!!
I had read in myspace that my sisters(and kinda my) friend is coming down this weekend, so I called her and we are going to the mall Sunday and then the beach. I have not been to the beach in about 3 years. This will be weird for me, I don't even own a bathing suit, and I now weigh 297 (I just lost 31pounds). I don't know if I can really get myself to go out in public to a beach. Eating disorders do not help tyvm.
But, today, after the blood bank, I went to Old Navy, I returned 2 pairs of flip flops, and bought Max a bathing suit, and someone returned a size 26jeans that ALLLLMOST fit me. So, I bought them. I then went to Target, (They are building a SUPER TARGET in Boynton, I just found out, I am SO EXCITED!!!) and bought Max's diapers. The Cruisers are 4 dollars off and I had 2 $1.50 off coupons so 116 diapers came out to $15, YAY.
Then I drove to Wellington, to my Mom's to wait for Marissa(My bff since we were 12, who is away at college) to call me, because it was her 21st birthday today. I went over to her house, and it felt just like old times....IT WAS GREAT! I LOOOOVE her family. They are always so welcoming and treat me like one of them.
I have so much to do tomorrow. I made a list. I won't bore you guys with it though.
I have finally come up with a plan, it involves a year or two and going back to school. I will go into detail later. I have talked it over with my social worker, and mother. I think it will finally be okay :)
Posted on .04.30.2007 at 11: 53 pm
I am an idiot. I cannot figure out the difference between: Your and You're.
Pregnancy made me such an idiot.
Posted on .04.28.2007 at 5: 29 pm
Current Mood: guilty
I have gone shopping crazy this week. I ordered 1 meitai, a ring sling, and a summer ring sling. Probably $100 all together. What to do when the bill comes?
I plead the fifth.
Posted on .04.26.2007 at 2: 20 pm
......I actually let everyone find out I was pregnant on Myspace....After I told my family.
Posted on .04.26.2007 at 12: 33 am
I just wanted to say that I apologize for deleting comments. I was just informed that I was. I diddn't know that what I was doing was deleting them. I thought I was clearing my messages... If that makes sense. I would check the box, click read, then delete. I diddn't know that it deleted the actual comment on the post.
So, I'm sorry for my mistake.
Posted on .04.25.2007 at 11: 38 pm
Today, Marty and our neighbor Ruben tried to change my battery in my car. Turns out it corroded and melted all the surrounding metal. I now have no battery in my car. I need to have it towed tomorrow and it is gonna cost a shit ton. UGH! Also, my brakes went to shit, so those need to be replaced.
Posted on .04.25.2007 at 10: 32 pm
Current Mood: scared
I think I really need to sit down and figure out what I want in life; for my son, and what needs to be done in general. I keep confusing myself by saying "Ok, I'm gonna do this today." or "I have the magic solution, and this is the only way." I keep changing my mind everyday. I need to make a fesable plan, write it down, and FOLLOW THROUGH. Otherwise, in 10 years, I am going to be in the same place, except I will have a fucked up 10yr old, and maybe more kids. Fucked up also. I need to think. I need to be responsible and not change my mind every 5 seconds. I am just so scared of failing, that it is keeping me from trying. I keep thinking about the matereal things that are keeping me here. The promise of a roof over my head, spending money, food, gas, a new car in july. When the effects of not leaving are worse tenfold on Max and I; emotional abuse, neglect, a drunk and high Marty.
I know that I need to go, I feel like my shoes, feet, and socks are cemented into the ground, and there is a jackhammer beside me, but I am too afraid to use it because it might cut me. The other option, standing there for the rest of my life, in the rain, snow, hail, and really hot sun. Wishing I could do something about it.
So there it is, I have the help and support avaliable. I need to JUST DO IT.
Posted on .04.25.2007 at 12: 32 am
He's drunk again, and throwing up in the bathroom that I JUST FUCKING CLEANED.
I spilled 7oz of milk a couple minutes ago.
I HATE MY LIFE!!!????!!!!!!??!!!
Posted on .04.22.2007 at 11: 37 pm
Current Mood: depressed
My life has been one big poo lately.
Making the decision to leave Marty has completely made me feel like I can't do anything, ever. I have a final interview Monday, for a live in nanny job. Free room and board, I can have Max there. The catch?
A. I have to be a housekeeper and cook for an 87yr old man.
B. I have to be a nanny on nights and weekends for infant TWINS to be born in June.
C. I get $100 a week.
The dude is high and mighty in Wellington. I have a feeling that I will get taken advantage of totally.
Marty doesn't understand that I HAVE to do this. What happens when he gets pulled over and they discover that he has enough pot to give to the whole world. What happens when he goes to jail? Who would support us? I always said "If you get caught, I won't bail you out." I'm not mean, I just don't support drug dealing. But he doesn't see my fear, which is reasonable and real. It's like, don't you think I would rather stay at home with Max and do nothing? Besides, going almost a year without sex, WHO DOES THAT????? I wanna have sex!!!! I want to go out on a date. I want to be kissed. I haven't been kissed since the freakin PECK he gave me after the c-section.
I want a real boyfriend.
Is that so unreasonable to ask of him?????
So, now, I file for custody and child support.
My milk is almost gone because I am so stressed out.
I almost want to give up.
Posted on .04.20.2007 at 12: 59 am
Posted on .04.18.2007 at 2: 25 am
Posted on .04.18.2007 at 2: 07 am
If he doesn't have an ear infection, then why is he tugging, and sticking his fingers in his ears and screaming BLOODY MURDER? HUH? Thanks Dr.Crap
Posted on .04.17.2007 at 6: 07 pm
I went to WIC today and found out that Marty makes too much money and that I don't qualify anymroe. That means I have to give back the breast pump. I am so PO'D.
Also, the new Avril cd, not worth it. Sorry hun, you were better when other people were writing your songs for you.
Have a ped apt for Max at 7pm, I believe he has a double ear infection.
Just a sucky day overall.
Posted on .04.16.2007 at 6: 33 pm
Hey Molly, guess who has an ear infection?
Our children conspire.
Posted on .04.14.2007 at 11: 31 pm
Current Mood: AWESOME BIRTHDAY
Lately, I have noticed that my son, looks like a turtle.
But onto the good stuff.
I had the absolute BEST birthday!
I had a party at Crasy Buffett, and about 17 people showed up!
Since I have lost about 30lbs this past month, on the South Beach diet, I decided to let myself eat what I wanted. And I wanted SUSHI!!!!
I ordered a apple martini, which I sent back. It was HORRIBLE!
Then, my friend Juliette, ordered me a Bay Breeze, I think that's what it's called. It was with coconut rum, pineapple juice, and other stuff. It was really good.
I got a wallet that matches my camera case, about $140, a $50 old navy gift card, and a charm of a little boy wearing a hat on a necklace, the kind from Macys...
The best part, was the card my mom got me. It was "from Max" and when I opened it, I started crying. It is just a run of the mill card. It says ; Mom, for your birthday, I was going to get you a cute little card that says " I love you!".. then you open it up.. "But you're such a great mom, I decided to get you" arrow pointing down to open again.. "A cute BIG card that says" another arrow " I LOVE YOU MOM!"
I know it wasn't really from him, but it really touched me.
I had a Strawberry Margarita at lunch. Marty took me to Rosalita's, which really surprised me, because he always disregards anything that is remotely important to me.
He also bought me roses. I believe he is scared shitless and is kissing up like no other. NOT GONNA WORK! I am a strong woman and I can do this on my own!....I just need to keep telling myself that, though.
Overall, one of my best yet!!
Though, I have about 100,000,000x more birthdays to come!
Posted on .04.14.2007 at 12: 44 am
Feliz Cumpleanos to me!
Posted on .04.13.2007 at 2: 45 am
Max had kept me up, so I turned on the tv and watched "Hand that rocks the cradle", I will never leave my son with anyone that I do not know. My GOD IT IS SO CREEPY and SICK.
It is about this twisted woman who becomes a nanny and takes over as the mom in her mind. Starts breastfeeding the 3month old, and turns the older kid on her parents. Attempts to kill the parents, it;s some sick shit.
I am forever horrified.
Posted on .04.12.2007 at 10: 55 pm
Current Mood: exhausted
If there is such a thing as a 4 month growth spurt, Max has been plauged my it to the umpteenth degree.
He is up every 3 hours, SCREAMING, not crying, SCREAMING. Wanting to eat, and when my supply is low, he in inconsolable. Last night, I think he was on the boob for 6 hours, I even fell asleep while he was bf'ing and when I woke up, he was still there sucking away. And it is not the kind suckling, it is like he is sucking like his life depends on it. He has also invented a new game of "Torture the Momma" he will take my nipple between his gums, bite down, and pull back really hard. The ped says to take him off and say really sternly "NO", but when I do, he just giggles, smiles, and does it again.
He is also either cutting his first tooth, or teething really badly. There is a medium sized red bump on his bottom jaw where a tooth would be. I have frozen a few washcloths, now, do I hold the washcloth in his mouth, or what? He sometimes has a hard time holding large objects in his hands and putting them to his mouth. I want to get him a teething ring, but I don't think he will be able to get it in his mouth and keep it there.
His father and I are fighting and I am in the process of leaving him, and I think the stress may be affecting him. I try to keep him away when we fight, but I think he can sense my tension.
Posted on .04.07.2007 at 4: 26 am
Current Mood: FUCKING PISSED
GOD! I am so PISSED OFFFFFFF. This has been a long time coming. Marty has been progressively beome and alcoholic, on top of smoking pot 6 times a day and dealing. He has been neglecting me AND Max. Example. He has changed 3 diapers since Max was born. Has never held him for a period longer than 3 minutes, and thinks that walking past us and saying DADDY to max makes him a good father. FUUCK. NO, YOU SUCK AT BEING A FATHER. YOU LEAVE WHEN YOU WAKE UP AT FUCKING 5PM, COME HOME AT 8AM, THEN GO RIGHT TO SLEEP. AND ON YOUR DAYS OFF, YOU DO THE SAME FUCKING THING!!!! YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MAX, AND YOU THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU PAY THE FUCKING RENT, THAT MAKES YOU GOD AND EXCEMPT FROM EVERYTHING. AND NOW JUST BECAUSE YOU FELL DOWN THE STAIRS YESTERDAY(BECAUSE YOU WERE DRUNK BTFUCKINGW), THAT MAKES ME YOUR PERSONAL NURSE AND CHEAUFFER(HIS MOTHER TOOK AWAY HIS KEYS BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN DRIVING DRUNK...WHICH I CAN TOTALLY AGREE WITH HER DOING, BUT DAMN!!!). FUCK NO AGAIN! I HAD A FUCKING C-SECTION THAT DIDDNT HEAL AND DID YOU HELP ME AT ALL WITH THE BRAND NEW BABY, OR FUCKING ANYTHING WHEN I WAS DOUBLED OVER IN PAIN CRYING WITH A 2 WEEK OLD SCREAMING. NO NO NO NO, I HAD TO HAVE SURGERY BECAUSE IT GOT INFECTED, DID YOU HELP ME THEN OR EVEN COME HOME FROM FUCKING BRENTS TO HELP ME WITH "OUR"2 WEEK OLD BABY WHILE I HAD A FUCKING VACCUUM THING IN MY FUKING STOMACH FOR 8 FUCKING WEEKS, AND WAS ON SO MANY PAINKILLERS THAT I COULDNT THINK STRAIGHT AND IN THE HOSPITAL FOR OVER A WEEK.YOU SLEPT THROUGH MY SURGERY,AND THEN, YOU COME HOME AND ASK IF I MADE YOU ANY DINNER. NO. SORRY GEE, I MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN WHILE I WAS IN FUCKING SURGERY, I HAVE SO LITTLE TO DO IN THE FUCKING DAY THAT IT JUST SLIPPED MY FUCKING MIND! AND DO YOU EVEN ATTEMPT TO HELP ME FIND DAYCARE FOR MAX SO I CAN WORK. NO AGAIN! I HATE YOU. I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH YOUR LIFESTYLE AND THE FACT THAT YOU THINK IT IS OKAY IN THE LEAST BIT, BECAUSE YOU "HAVEN'T BEEN CAUGHT YET". YOU SUCK, YOU SICK,MANIPULATIVE FUCK. AND WHO THE FUCK CARES IF I HAVEN'T HAD SEX WITH YOU SINCE SEPTEMBER, YOU CARRY AND BREASTFEED THIS BABY ON DEMAND, YOU SLEEP WITH HIM EVERY NIGHT TEND TO HIS EVERY NEED 24/7 AND THEN LET ME STICK MY DICK INTO YOU!. HE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE WORLD AND YOU DON'T SEE IT. FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU.
Posted on .02.10.2007 at 1: 42 am
Current Mood: bored
Is it just me, or is Carson Daly just NOT FUNNY!!! I love Conan, but when Carson comes on, I get totally turned off, his jokes SUCK.
Sorry, this was totally random
Posted on .12.19.2006 at 12: 05 am
Max Tapani Ahola
12:50pm via c-section
I can't write the birth story right now, max is FINALLY asleep.
Just a horror story for diabetics that have sections, my stomach opened up after my staples were taken out. I was in the hospital for 8 days when he was a week old. i was put on a wound vac
Irreparable invalid markup ('<imagine [...] fascia,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]
Max Tapani Ahola
12:50pm via c-section
I can't write the birth story right now, max is FINALLY asleep.
Just a horror story for diabetics that have sections, my stomach opened up after my staples were taken out. I was in the hospital for 8 days when he was a week old. i was put on a wound vac <imagine a vaccuum with a tube connected to tape in your stomach all the way down to the fascia, sucking out all the stomach gunk and infection>. UGH. the wound vac did not work. now every day i have to go to the emergency room to get my hole cleaned and bandaged. later thes week i have to fo in for surgery where they will cut away the dead tissue and sew me up. on top of all that, I have thrush, my nipples are flat, i have to pump 6-8 times a day, and he still =needs to eat formula, i hate formula i never wanted to give him any. he eats 12oz's of ebm and 12oz's of formula a day. and all i want is the connection that you get when you breast feed.
otherwise i am so in love
sorry about the spelling errors, i am running on 2 hours of sleep in 5 days
congrats to everyone who had their babies.
his pics are on my myspace. i forgot how to post them on here.
more babies in the future.... ME????? no way
Posted on .09.07.2006 at 5: 15 pm
I know it has been quite a while since I have updated, I moved in with my fiancee and we do not have a computer. Just a little new info, I am having a boy, Ezra, and I am being induced the evening of Thanksgiving. I hope everyone is well. I will update as much as i can
Posted on .07.08.2006 at 7: 18 pm
Ya, so I moved 3 weeks ago into a fairly nice apt with marty. we have no comp. i am literally about to go crazy.
I felt asher move for the first time today. my due date changed. it is now dec 3. meh
Posted on .06.18.2006 at 10: 46 pm
Is it wrong to think that my mother is a whore, when I am 20yrs old and pregnant?
Posted on .06.18.2006 at 3: 31 pm
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: the Pat McGee band
So today, I was supposed to move. Never happened, I am officially SICK. This sucks muchly. BUt the fact that mom's "boyfriend" was going to help, really pissed me off. That just cannot happen. It sounds so trailer trashy to say that my mom has a boyfriend. Parents are supposed to stay married. I am not making any sense here. Maybe I am delirious, and whatever comes out of my mouth is beyond my control, so if I tell him to fuck off, it won't be my fault.
Posted on .06.16.2006 at 5: 22 am
i have a strange obsession with popsicles
Posted on .06.13.2006 at 4: 32 pm
Definitely something in there. we believe it is something with a penis, due to the protruding forehead bone (the us tech said that most boys have that trait).Unfortunately , pee parts were not visible with the dildo cam. boo.
And holy creepy skeleton baby face( Read more...Collapse )
Posted on .04.26.2006 at 11: 42 pm
i can see the beginnings of hands, feet, i saw the mouth and where the eyes will be.
im so in love
baby under cut( Read more...Collapse )
Posted on .04.22.2006 at 6: 07 pm
Oooooooooook, so i had my ultrasound yesterday as you all know. It was the most surreal thing i have ever been through... it was also incredibly uncomfortable.
when i got to the office, i was told that i was having a vaginal ( this penis looking thing with a condom over it (lol) i was told to strip waist down. got on the doctor bed thingy ( whatever it is called) and the lady was like " ok sarah, i need you to spread your legs" (lol). and i thought she was going to actually stick the penis thing in me, but thank god she diddnt. so it was basically on the outer bone of my vagina, and she kept on putting this odd pressure on me. about (what felt like 5 minutes)1-2 mins went by, she diddnt say anything, so i said " do you see anything?" lol. then she put on the sound of the heartbeat. oh my god. it was so incredibly loud. i have this thing about listening to heartbeats... i think its creepy (am i the only one?) ( when i had an echocardiogram, i told the guy to turn the sound off because it made me nauseous) i just dont like the sound... i think it all became real. i wanted to cry, i was so overwhelmed, it was hard to look at the screen. then it was all over, the pictures were printed, and she handed me some.
im so unsure of all this, i mean i want to be soooo happy, but im terrified of not being good enough. my whole life i have had this complex of not being good enough ( ive been in therapy since i was 12)
i just dont want to mess it up. i need advice from everyone, im just so scared....
Posted on .04.13.2006 at 6: 28 pm
thank you guys so much for the great advice and kind words. i had my first prenatal appointment today, i am 6w exactly and its considered a HIGH RISK PREGNANCY because im diabetic. i dont know how i am going to work, i have doctors appointments EVERY FREAKING DAY!!!! its really overwhelming, but i know in the end it will be so totally worth it. my boyfriend/fiance came with me to wait at the gyno's today but he had to leave, he is really scared and it makes me uncomfortable. and we are really afraid of telling his mother, she will flip out. i was put on insulin yesterday, and the endocrinologist called me this morning at 8:30, the one day that i had time to sleep in, usually now im waking up with the sun(which is really odd because i was always a late sleeper)and he wanted me to come in again today( mind you i was there yesterday and his office is 25miles away) and so i went and he gave me a new insulin...the thing is, he could have just sent the script over to the pharmacy!!! so im completely exhaustd and my boobs itch like crazy, my gyno says that im allergic to being pregnant!!!! lol.... on a lighter note my birthday is tomorrow!! yay!!! , my ultrasound is scheduled for next friday and i cannot wait!!
more to come
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